An Unexpected Event-The Story of An Angel

Mid-week day off work. The kids are at school, the house is quiet. I sit in my chair and work on my computer as I pass over Facebook posts of my pregnant friends or ones with little babies. It makes me smile, that joy and love that steals your heart before they're even born. The funny things you post about what your kids say and do. It makes me laugh. My youngest is 5 years old, my oldest - 11. My baby days are over, and I am glad. Focusing on raising the ones I've got. Sometimes I'll take a walk outside, I'll close my eyes, take a deep breath of air and feel the cool breeze across my face. I don't know why, but it's in those moments that I'm reminded that everything in life is going to be ok. It's as if all the troubles and concerns of the world are washing over me and I can take it all in, and all I have to do is open my eyes and keep on walking, and everything in my world still continues on living, while the cool air washes away the memories of all the pain and hurt I've ever known. Many of you don't know this story I'm about to share and some of you do, so take a walk beside me as I take you on a journey of what I'll call My Story of An Angel... Seven years ago, I took a number of pregnancy tests that confirmed I was going to have a baby. We were excited, as any couple would usually be. I found out at about 5 weeks...We told everybody, family, our friends at church, work. It had barely even sunk in, and barely even a week had passed, and without going into detail, I knew something had been wrong the whole time. My worst fear happened when I went into the doctors office, I laid on the ultrasound table as the doctor asked me if I was having any pain and my response was 'not really'. I looked up, the computer screen showed a dark area, and no heartbeat was there. I had not seen one before at this pregnancy because it was my first ultrasound. As the doctor checked some more and took some bloodwork, I was told I could go home, come back over the next 2 days for more bloodwork, and wait an agonizing several days to confirm the bloodwork showed either failing numbers of the pregnancy hormone in my bloodtest results, meaning miscarriage, or rising numbers which meant it was growing. He told me he was very sorry and walked out of the room for me to get dressed. I remember the nurse was so nice, I bursted into tears, I could see the look on her face that this was not good and she told me it was going to be ok. I walked out of the doctors office, to my left and to my right and straight ahead and everywhere - were pregnant women, rubbing their bellies, sitting with their families. I was in a cloud, I didn't know what to think. I went home and waited, still knowing something was wrong, asking myself if I was even "really" pregnant, and not even knowing what to think or do. I got the call from the doctor himself a couple days later, he asked how I was doing and I said still the same. He read me off the "numbers" of the pregnancy hormone in my body from the bloodtests which showed really high numbers on the first day, and falling numbers on the days after that. He said I had miscarried. I was only about 6 weeks along. I hung up, a little shocked, a little sad, a little in disbelief. Over the next entire 9 months, my whole world felt like it had come crashing down and I completely fell apart. I couldn't get what happened out of my head. I cried so much. My heart hurt. It hurt bad. I didn't understand why God would make a human being and then decide to take it away. I didn't understand why the emotions had to hurt so bad since I was only 6 weeks along and the fact that I was pregnant had not even set in before I found out I wasn't even going to have a baby. I wondered if the baby was a boy or girl and if it even made sense that it would be in heaven with Jesus. I didn't know how to act, how to think, I didn't know what it was going to be like from one day to the next. I have a good way of hiding my feelings and I don't think anyone knew the hurt that was going on inside of me. They asked how I was doing for a short while and then people just forget about it and move on. They try to understand and say it's ok and you will have more chances. They just didn't understand. I didn't want more chances, I wanted what I had to not be taken away from me. I woke up crying, I went to sleep crying, I cried when I heard that someone was pregnant, I was jealous, I didn't understand why someone else would get that blessing and mine was taken away. For the first time in my life, I felt the emotion of a serious loss...a loss of excitement for new life, knowing I was pregnant then would never get to hold that baby. I would never get to pick a color for the baby's bedroom, never get to have the baby shower, never get to look up baby names, never get to see ultrasound pictures or get to tell my family if it was a girl or boy, and all those things you look forward to in a pregnancy. I was mad, so mad. All the great things I believed about God were suddenly in question. I was mad at myself knowing there were people who could't even have babies to begin with, and people who lost babies at birth and all these things, and I felt so guilty for my comparably small insignificant loss of life. I was sure it was my fault, that there was something I must have done to cause it. I went over scenarios in my head of what I could have ate or drank or done to cause my baby not to live. I was sure somehow, it was my fault. Then I learned that it happens a LOT and that there was nothing I did to cause it and nothing I could have done to prevent it. Somehow, at some point, I learned to accept that. My mom gave me a little ceramic angel that now sits in my house and it's the only thing I have to bring that memory clear to my mind. I rarely think about it anymore, 7 years later. We got through that tragedy in our life. To this day, I still don't understand, and it still doesn't make sense, but now, when I walk outside and feel the cool breeze across my face and all those memories of pain and hurt wash over me, and I breathe in, I'm still living. I still have 2 little faces to wake up to every morning, who are my biggest blessings. I still get to be called mom. I know that I don't have to question the world in everything, and I know there are not answers to why God allows certain things to happen...But what I DO know, is that as I sit here in my chair and write, the house is quiet and I close my eyes... I can take myself back to 7 years ago, and I can feel. My heart doesn't hurt at all anymore. My heart no longer is in a million pieces anymore. My emotions aren't shattered on the floor as I try to grasp and understand all that happened. I can wake up and go to sleep without crying, I can look at my pregnant friends and be happy and not feel jealous, I can hear a baby's cry and feel a sense of calm and serenity without feeling tortured. I can move on and not even question why God let me go through that mountain, but everyday I will thank Him for walking that mountain with me, because without Him, I would have been completely lost.

Welcome

Welcome to MY blog. The place I will share my heart. The place where you will find the "world through my eyes"... (I can hear my husband saying now - "oh brother" - lol). You've been invited to my happy place of WRITING. Here you will find my emotions, my daily activities, what humors me, what gets me, what annoys me....My opinions, my debates, and lots more that is not Facebook worthy! Thank you for joining! NOW, Let's move on to the real stuff.. My first Blog Post (in a very long time)....